I just finished Anne of Green Gables, and though I have read it many times before, this time it seemed funnier and more thought provoking than any other time. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am at the end of growing up and she was just beginning. Looking back on things always makes them more clear then when you are going through them. I can understand many of the ways she is feeling for I have felt them itensely. She says that growing up isn't as exciting as she expected, and I must agree. Growing up brings so many more questions. It proves what your parents have been telling you all your life that you will never know everything. It is really quite sad to think the older you get the less you will know, or maybe the right way to say that is the older you get the more you will know about the world and see how little you know about the world. I think that is confusing, but I am not sure how else to say it.

It seems like I am in a writing stage because I am writing a lot more than I ussually do. Don't expect this to become the norm. It will probably only last until the Immersion program starts then I will probably stop writing, but you never know.

I decided about a month or more ago that I am socially or relationally challenged. In a word : an introvert.
So since that revelation, I have been reading every relational book and asking every relational question there is to ask.
Right now Jennifer and I are reading Learning to Love People You Don't Like by Floyd McClung (good book).
But every chapter it seems to hit on something I am not doing right.

I like these kind of books becasue it makes me shrink inside and wish I was different. Then because I am open to change God seems to make everything in my life magnify this problem. Ok that was a little side trip but back to the main point.

One of the chapters we read last night was called Rules For Relationships. It was amazing. Here are the five "rules".

(1)Maintain an attitude of humility {being willing to be known for who we are and for what we have done rather than being superficial. (I am not very good at this.)}, Meekness {not insisting our way or pushing ourselves forward}, Patience {wait for others lovingly even when they are wrong}, Forbearance {help others when they are weak}.

(2)Speak the truth in love.
-speak the truth
-speak the truth in love
-only speak that which edifies
-get rid of the critical spirit

(3)Forgive those who sin and discipline those who do not repent of their sins.

(4)We belong to one another. There is one church.

(5)Be filled with the Spirit, worshiping the Lord, encouraging one another, and always giving thanks in everthing to God the Father.

These are hard things to do especially if we think in the flesh. Actually in the flesh they are impossible. We can't even imagine doing any of those things on our own because if we try, we will only fail and become depressed.
That is my problem many times. I want to be better than I am, and so I push myself and try to be someone I am not. This always ends in frustration and depression. I hate myself because I can't improve myself then God is so merciful. He suddenly reveals again that I am right I can't do it, but He can. He fixes my focus back on Him and everything is sunshiney from there ( until I take control again). I wish I could keep my focus constanly where I am happy, but sometimes I seem to enjoy gloom.
Welllll I am not sure why i wrote this but last night it hit exactly what I needed to hear so I thought all of you would like to hear it to. ( I am also trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and share pieces of my heart with people and it is easier to type my heart than to speak my heart.)

I am very proud of this paper. I wrote it in less than two hours, and I think its not bad.

Love is Forever?
Our eyes meet across the room. Nothing is said. Nothing is done. Yet for a brief moment we have connected. We understand each other. A silent message goes between us. A message that brings comfort. A message that brings pleasure. And a message that makes my heart jump and my stomach whirl. But in moment it is gone, and all I am left with is a memory. I try to conjure that feeling over and over again, but the memory supplies nothing but an empty ache. I have seen him before. In fact, I have seen him many times through out my life. Sometimes he has brown hair, sometimes green eyes. Other times he has blond hair and striking blue eyes that you could stare into for hours. There are times he is Hispanic, and times he is Asian. Many times I don’t know his name, but often I do. When our eyes meet, sometimes I let them linger knowing I will never see this set again, but many times I pull away hoping I was dreaming. Who is this changing man? He is just that: man.
This kind of experience is from where dreams come, books are written, songs are sung. This is love. Or at least this is what we have been told is love. But is this true love? What is true love? Sebastien R. N. Chamfort said, “Love, such as it is in society, is only the exchange of two fantasies, and the contact of two bodies.” Can this be true? “No, of course not“, we women would answer. Love is much more than that, right? Or can it be that society has change the meaning of the word love? Is the glance across the room and the small instant connection between two people love or is it in some small way just a “fantasy”?
The world is searching for one thing and that is true love and acceptance. We have decided as a society that love is selfish. Love is all about feeling good. When you tell someone you love them, what are you hoping for? Sex? Attention? Cuddles? Support? We never seem to tell someone we love them because we want to help the other person or supply them with what they need. We seem to be trying to fulfill our own desires and pleasures. But how long do these relationships last? Ten years? Five years? A month? A week? or even a minute? We are searching for fulfillment through the feeling of being in loved. We never seem to find it so we go from one partner to next hoping for better luck. Unfortunately, if we are trying to find the love like the story books, it is never going to happen.
According to Thomas A Kempis, “Love is swift, sincere, pious, pleasant, generous, strong, patient, faithful, prudent, long-suffering, manly, and never seeking her own; for wheresoever a man seekth his own, he falleth from love” A Kempis is saying that that if a man or woman loves selfishly then he or she is no longer loving. This can’t possibly be true, can it? I can tell myself that in deed I have loved everyone of those men or boys who I have had an attraction to, but then with everyone of them I can, in minutes, forget one and begin to “love” another. Is that love? Or could it be possible that what we as a society have been calling love is not love at all but only a strange emotional fantasy that will fade with time, and true love is indeed what A Kempis says it is? “Love is patience. Love is kind, and is not jealous. Love does not brag, and it is not arrogant. It does not act unbecomingly. It does not seek its own. It is not provoked. It does not take into account a wrong suffered. Love bears all thing, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.”

I forgot that I had set this blog to watch the comments and then today I discovered all of the wonderful comments people left me, and it makes me want to cry. (I can't though because I am at work, and I avoid crying at work. ) That really made my day.

I have been kind of down and tired and had a headache all day. One of those "nobody likes me, everybody hates me I am gona go and eat worms" days. Ohhh I have such good friends! I love you guys so much! Ahhh now I really going to cry. I better stop.