Pieces of Alabaster

2008-02-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

YES.... I know it has been like nine months since I wrote (but hey read my thingy ma jiger under my blog's name...) SOOOO lets see...what has happened? Not much really just getting used to being married and stuff.
Still working at the bank. Though we moved from Frisco (thank God) where we were renting with two other guys as roommates. Don't get me wrong they are both good guys but they are still two guys I have no relation to so it was nice to get out of that situation. We moved to Patti and Justin's house for a month, I think, and from there to Leadville which is where we are now. But next month we are moving to PA and Gabe is going back to school. So yeah that is the exciting news (or frightening :) of our lives right now... Nothing more...
No I am not pregnant for all you people who are expecting me to be! :\ And we don't plan on it at least till Gabe is out of school...that is four years!
Welllll... I guess that is all for now. We don't have a computer at the moment and so I am using my parents and we need to head back up to Leadville before it gets too late. Maybe when we get one I will get more consistant with my writing...maybe not... *shrugs*

2007-06-25T18:46:00.000-06:00

Sooooo.... I haven't posted in a bit.... I guess since Gabe and I started dating ... kind of sort of ... and since then a LOT!!! has happened in my life. Like a TON literally!

Ok so maybe not a lot but one big thing which changes bunches of other little ones and then one little one.

So I will start with the little one. I got my "first real job" (as Joel would say) I am now working at a bank in Frisco which I think I am really going to enjoy once I get past the training.... I have been working there now for like two or three weeks and it has only been web based training! YUCK!!! It kills you after like five hours of staring at computer and stuffing your head full of bank info. But I really like all the people I work with. It is all girls (which means lots of chocolate :D :P) and they are all lots of fun to be around. I think I am going to enjoy the work and the customers as well. So that is my new little piece of news in my life. :D

The other one that changes bunches of little things is a bit more surprising ...... soooo..... I will tell you the likkle changes firth... :P I have moved to a house in Frisco...which is nice.... I have a new P.O. Box ... (which if you want it text me of call me or sumtin) I may be getting a new phone number but I will let you know on that.... ummmm... what else has changed???? Oh, I have a new name.... sooooo... yeah.. you probably figured it out already but... Gabriel and I got married on June first so in five days we will be married a month!!! (By the way my new name in Marie Christine Hipple) It has been an interesting almost month trying to keep it quiet at first so I could tell certan people but then it got and everybady seemed to hear about it so now I don't know who needs to be told and who doesn't....sooo.... if you hadn't heard yet... I AM SOO SORRY or if you heard from someone else I AM also SOO SORRY!!!! But yeah that is my big news. :D (awkward :P)

2007-05-26T12:00:00.000-06:00

Bored, bored , bored, bored!
Ummmmmmmm............
I don't know what to write...
I am bored!
Cause it is Saturday and I am not working and I am waiting for my mother to finish sometin and then we are going to coffee....
BUT right now I am sitting in the house waiting and waiting...
I woke up too early this morning :/
On days I don't have anything to do until the afternoon I am supossed to sleep late so I don't just sit around the house for hours on end with nothing to do!!! Cause yeah I am BORED!
Idea I will make a Kefer shake if I can find some fruit and ice :/
Cause the Kefer is still warm...
Oh well I will make some anyway... its better than snacking on stuff....
Wellllll... so.... yeah..... :D

2007-04-26T12:00:00.000-06:00

How can we be so blind!!!
How can we ignore the problems in the world?
We are so focused on perfection in our lives and living sinless lives here in the USA where we are safe and yet we ignore the true sin and hell that is going on in Africa and all over the world.
I am now watching a movie called Invisible Children http://www.invisiblechildren.com it is about the children in Uganda and other neighboring countries in Africa who are forced to become soldiers at the ages of 5 - 12. They are torchered not only physically but mentally and emotionally. They live their lives in constant fear. Hiding from the rebels and the government and anyone else who may bring more suffering to their already torn apart lives. This goes on all over the world and we sit in our nice homes, offices, churches, buildings talking about how we can take the gosple to the lost, but is what is the gosple? It is the good news! Who needs the good news more than these children? And since when has talking about strategies to reach the world worked! It takes doing it! Loving those who need to be loved. Being there for the hurting and broken. Stop talking!!! And get off your lazy buts America! Do something about it!! "Those who are given much are required much!" Or don't we listen to the Bible anymore?

2007-04-24T13:27:00.000-06:00

Read the one before this first. :D

Through this time I began to pull back from the church and people cause that is what I do when I am contiplating something new in my life. When I am learning something new, I am not a normal girl. I need my space to think it through before I talk about it or it just sounds wrong and I can't express it well. So I began to pull back from everyone but Jennifer and so the whole church thinks I am going crazy and losing my faith and junk, and then suddenly this new kid appears in church named Gabriel. Well... according to his myspace he has a girlfriend and he is 17 years old. Sounds safe enough to try to be friends with a guy. So I started hanging out with him a lot and myspacing him and emailing him and come to find out this guy is really cool and fun to hang out with and stuph. Well... we are friends for awhile and surprise his myspace lied!!! His girlfriend and him had broke up like a couple months before I met him! And uh oh I liked him a lot!! But this later fact I ignored and decide ok well... maybe we will date and I can practice dating and see what its like and stuff. So we started in a relationship I will call either special friendship (Adam's) or friends with bennefits (Jennifer's and Jon's) cause at this time I was a part of internship where we won't supposed to date. Well... after awhile of this Gabe said don't you think we should talk to your parents. I was like ummm...no thats ok. But he insisted and so I agreed. But I also told him I was not ready to be commited to someone completely cause I was scared of that word, but he still wanted to go ahead with talking to my parents. Soooo... I decided I needed to talk to my mom first. We had talked a couple weeks before and I was like no I don't like him enough to get into a relationship, but after this talk she understood what was going on spiritually in my life and it helped her calm down (which seems to happen every time I talk to someone), but now I thought it would be good for us to talk again before he asked them to be in a relationship with me. I am not sure why but I thought it would smooth things over, but somehow it worked. Though my parents did not give us permission to date they really liked Gabe ( they didn't really know him before) So we continued as 'special friends' and the thought that in two months we would be official or whatever you want to call it.
But a couple weeks later (I must have drank to much coffee or something emotionally snapped in my head.) I was babysitting and I just had this extream fear bombard(sp?)me that Gabe was going to leave me and not really want me and junk like that. I really need to talk to someone, but Jennifer's phone was broken and Claudia was at a movie and I couldn't think of anyone elso but Gabriel. So reluctantly I text him to see where he was. He answered (of course he wonderful about that :) But when I didn't answer that, he call but I didn't answer his call either (yea I know the stereotipical girl response that I hate but hey sorry I was an emotional mess.) So he texted me and called me again and finally I answered. I told him something was wrong, but didn't want to talk about it over the phone. So we decide to meet after I finished babysitting.
We went to the prayerroom and I told him all my feelings of abandonment and that it was nothing he did cause it was all inside my head. And I cried a lot. (I hate crying in front of anyone and usually hold it in until I am alone.) But then after awhile of emotional time :/ I told Gabe I was ready to commit to him and I was tried of this 'special friends' thing. So we were already planning to get together with my parents that Saturday so we decided to tell them we couldn't honestly wait anymore. That went amazingly well and they were like ok well we want to talk to Gabriel's parents first and ask him a bit more questions. Then the next day Mike called my mom and they talked for a long time and he told her some of his concerns. Then my parents called Gabe's parents that night and asked them a lot of questions some concerning Mike's questions and concerns. And the next week my mom and I went out to coffee and though she still had some questions for Gabe she said after they quizzed him that night they would tell him we could enter into a relationship. I went away from that conversation walking on clouds and the happiest girl alive. And since then it has been a dream.
There is a lot I need to learn about relationship and junk but God is teaching me so much about his character through this relationship and about myself. He is showing me what it means to love and be loved. He is teaching me more and more about faith in people and him. He has given me a joy and happiness that I have never felt before ever!! (or al least that I can remember) He has given me this peace that no matter what happens he will take care of it and guide us through.
So that is Marie's life in nutshell from the last nine months to a year. I am so thankful to God for everything he is doing in my life and for friends like Jennifer and Jacque. And for my parents who are there to support us yet still ask the hard questions. Wow...that sounded like an acknowledgement thingy from a cd. :/

2007-04-20T17:06:00.000-06:00

Wow...

I was reading my journal yesterday during work and stuff cause... yeah.... I was kind of bored :P
And I was writing a 'my life in the last year' thingy in my journal ( which I didn't finish :/ ) but anywho...
A lot has happened in the last year! :O Like a lot. a lot *nods*
Like I haven't been out of the country since November. :O yeah...I know not normal for Marie! But the funny thing is I am ok with that at this point of my life... yeah... weird....

Another thing is I have been going through this time of questioning my convictions and even like my world veiw and stuff. Which is to say: I am wondering if everything I have believed is reallly someone else's belief and now I need to reexamen my life and change some stuff... and yeah stuff like is everything that I thought the church is really what she is suposssed to be? And yes our actions show where our heart is but which actions are a bad show and who decides that? And what if certain actions make some think you are falling away and others think you are drawing closer and you feel closer to God than you have ever felt? And why does the American church shut out anything that has the potential to hurt someone when pain and sorrow sometime strengthens us better than protection and isolation? And how could I be so dumb to see being a Christian as a person who was constantly struggling against sin when we have already concured(sp?) sin through Jesus? And why the heck have I never understood that the reason we are called Christians is because we are to follow Jesus aka. CHRIST only and not church leaders and peers? (not saying there is a time and a place to follow good Godly leaders. Like Joel said Saturday night, there is a time we need the examples and to want to be just like another person. But like Nancy Black said, it is all part of growing up to pull away from each of those head figures in our lives and learn how to live our lives as us.) And...yeah... so these are thoughts that have been flying through my head and then like I realized that a lot of these things all come down to one thing: What Would Jesus Do? (sorry for the cliches but it works :/ :) How would Jesus live this part of my life? How would Jesus respond to this? But these types of questions lead to more questions like. How do we know what Jesus would do? And my pastor/youth leader/parents/friends/whoever says that Jesus would do it this way but I don't see that in the Bible and I wonder if that is true? Then I realized WOOOOOH!! that is my problem. All those things don't really matter what matters is the heart. If your eyes are fixed on Jesus and you are living endrenched in his word and prayer, then he will teach you about those things. Live life as a river if you just let the river (Jesus) just guide you even in the rough times, you will be fine, but if you try to avoid the hard times or go back or take side trips things will take a lot longer and could become more difficult. This is going to be really long to I am going to cut it in to pieces. This is the first part. :D

2007-04-09T13:51:00.001-06:00

Life, Love, AND, Faith

Amaze me!
I dare you!

I have said it before --
maybe I will say it again?
maybe not.

Life--
Love... they go together...
But missing...
What?

Faith... trust... Confidence...
WOW!
Hard stuff...
But...
important.

Ha ha... it worked
understand?
Of course not....

Another thing written in a class this semester but I am not sure when.

2007-04-09T13:43:00.001-06:00

Life...
Augh!

Friends...
Huh?

Family...
Oh my.

God...
Help!

Life...
Good Bye

HAahaahaa
take it all with laughter, or tears will flow, if not then desperation and hopelessness, but laughter will hide the pain unfortunately not remove it. Ah life why is your sting worst than death's?

I wrote this in class in January.

2007-04-09T13:35:00.002-06:00

Hatred - ugly - over this.
Anger
...done...finish...over...never...forever.
Make me see
Reveal the truth
Maybe...
I will believe
...maybe

Hurt - why? - free when?
Not by you!
You...
Nothing! Gone!
Annoyed...frustration...
Love - beauty - the same.
*sigh*

And yet another :D

2007-04-09T13:35:00.001-06:00

Touch me, please
Hold me tight.
Never let go.

Sadness...
to close...
BUT
so nice...
Sadness...

Back away.
Just a little
It may return.

You guessed it another in class emotion explosion on paper.

2007-04-09T13:35:00.000-06:00

Love? Friends, Please! Fear.... Commitment... terror. Why?
Can't! Won't! Anguish....
Short not long... play... flirt... test....
One month... two months... six months... a year -- stop!
no longer! not yet... please
Oh death... oh pain.... forever

Friends ... we've become.
Friends ... let us stay

So this is another class thingy from a few months ago.

2007-03-19T18:16:00.000-06:00

This is a poem from the book called a Beautiful Mess about the Kingdom of God that I am reading. It is absolutely amazing!

When my brothers were too young be wise

When my brothers were too young to be wise

but too old to name things creatively,

they invented a game called:

Let's take turns jumping off Tom's roof

and throw the cat after the person who jumped

At least they took turns...

Later, when my brother were too young to be wise

but old enough to put their scientific knowledge to use,

they played a game called:

Let's pour gas over this giant pile weeds

and then light it on fire.

At least the doctor said

that their eyebrows will grow back...

Later, when my brother was old enough to be depressed

but too young to know how to cope,

he would play a game called:

Let's go to Tom's house and do a lot of drugs

and drink all his step-dad's beer.

At least there was that one English teacher

who asked if something was wrong...

but what could you say?

We are so poorly equipped to deal with these troubles,

and there are so few doctors of soul these days...

What is there to do?

I know some people who fight it all their lives,

kicking against the goads till they bleed to death.

Others, like Dad, ignore it,

thinking that hard work, sunshine, and

the passing of time will resolve it.

Still others, like Mom, ostracize and cast blame

by leaving condemnatory evangelical polemics taped

to your bathroom mirror.

But now my brothers and I old enough

to begin to be wise,

yet still young enough to climb the cold roof

to talk and to smoke.

So I will play a new game with you called:

Let's go together and bear one another's burdens.

At least I will not laugh at your pain,

I will not try to fix your problems,

I will not ignore your suffering

or condemn you with my piety...

I will simply lie here next to you in the cold

while we breathe our smoky prayer to God.

~Raeben Nolan

2007-02-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

This is a poem from a book I am reading for twentysomethings.
It is by an unknown author.

Wait

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant repy.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which i can relate
Hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I 'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I am weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God,"So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed , then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead,a nd cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want--But, you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;

You 'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never xperience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit decends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save ... (for a start),
But you'd know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when I walk without sight ,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You'd never know, should pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'WAIT."

2007-02-07T14:22:00.000-07:00

So I have been thinking about my generation a lot. And how we are different from previous generations and how is the best way to influence this generation. So I thought you know this generation is a transitional generation. We are right between when there was no technology and now it is all over the place. Because of this we have a different look on life then previous generations just like every new generation. We see everything with skepticism and distrust. We ache for friendship, but even friendships are made with caution, and we always leave a way out.
Life doesn't really mean anything to us. We go through life with the attitude "What ever happens, happens. We expect to get hurt so we put up walls and look out for number one all the while trying to have fun. We have observed how other generations have searched for meaning, and we watched them fail. We know that pleasure, work, family, religion, politics, friends, and everything else previous generations have depended on doesn't work. Our philosophy is if we live life protecting ourselves and having fun we won't get hurt to badly, and we will have fun along the way.
We despise anything or anyone who says they have the answers because we are not looking for 'the answers'. We are looking for truth. Something we can put our faith in that won't prove to be a lie like everything else. Something that is our not our parent's, or even our older brothers and sisters, or our pastor's/youth pastor's but ours. We aren't willing to just take what others tell us is true. We need to discover it for ourselves.
Yes, I believe there is a revolution/revival coming because we are ready, but it won't be like anything the church has ever seen. This is a new generation so we need a new wine skin. We won't be able to use the technics from the Jesus Movement or the Great Awakening or any other revival in history. I am not sure what this will look like or when we will discover it, but it will fit tis generation and its need.
Don't be blind to the pains of this genereation. It needs a comforting, gentle, personal gosple that is not afraid of telling the truth or has the appearance of obligation. The Good News need to have life. True life flowing out of it not just rules or the appearance of perfection. This generation needs to see people like them who hurt, cry, hate, desire death, want freedom, are confused, MUST I GO ON? This generation isn't looking for perfection. They are looking for reallity, and through being real with our problem and struggles we can show the world that there is hope and relief. We must tell the world the truth. Freedom doesn't come without a price like so many Christians claim. True salvation cost everything!
So to reach this generation, we need to stop caring so much about reaching them, and start caring for them as people who hurt, who bleed, who are searching, who want friends, true friend who don't hide behind masks. It is by living like Jesus with love and acceptance of each individual, and showing them that you care about what is going on deeper than the surface appearence. Showing them that you are going to love them no matter what they do or say.
Jesus didn't hide anything. He didn't use little booklets or cute phrases. He was just himself. He said strong, convicting things not out of obligation but because he loved them. He hung out with people not to get a convert but because he was having fun. He didn't hang out with the 'religious people'. He hung out with the messed up, hurting, poor, loud, obnoxious, selfish people. He was patient and understanding towards everyone except the religious leaders. Those who found their identity in how good they were. Those who were blind to their own mistakes.
So what does this have to do with this generation, our generation? I am not completely sure, Maybe just that we need to get rid of the idea that Christians have to always end up perfect. The idea that inorder to reach the world we have to be drastically different. To be honest, I think in order to reach our generation, we have to be ourselves in whatever that means. We can't live trying to please others, Christians or non-Christians because people see through that. Live as Jesus would have YOU live not your best friend, not your mom, not your dad, not your pastor/youth leader, YOU! Study the Bible on your own. Discover your own truths because only then can you truly live. And only when you are truly living can you show life to our generation.
So these are just a few of the thoughts that have been racing, then sitting, then slowly meandering through my mind. There are many more but they haven't found there way on to paper yet. :)

2007-02-05T19:19:00.000-07:00

Want My Body?
Dedicated to all the guys who stare at girls

You look at me,
What do ya see?
With these beautiful lips
With these beautiful hips
Am I the kind of girl that you play?
Am I the kind of girl that you get your way?

You look at me,
What do ya see?
With these beautiful eyes
With these beautiful thighs
You thinkin I'm an easy catch
I got news for you, you ain't no match

You look at me,
What do ya see?
With this beautiful chin
With this beautiful skin
Thinkin all ya need is just one kiss
But in reallity I think you'll miss

You look at me,
What do ya see?
With this beautiful booty
With these beautiful boobies
If thats all ya see that all ya get
Don't ask for more cause you won't be touchin it.

You look at me,
What do ya see?
With this beautiful style
With this beautiful smile
You think its a privledge just for you
Look past the eyes, I'm mockin, its true

You look at me,
What do ya see?
With this beautiful hair
Thinkin I must beautiful when I'm bare
Just keep dreamin my little friends
Cause men like you, their fantazy never ends.

2007-01-09T12:28:00.000-07:00

Another thing from a friend and I don't think he speaks perfect English so excuse the grammar and spelling.
I tried to fix some of it but I really didn't fix it all.
Read it gently trying to gain some truths for life.

Desiderata - by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all people.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their own story.
Avoid the loud and aggressive person, they are a vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for there will always be greater and lesser people than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Stay interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery, but let this not blind you to what virtue there is. Many people strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
Whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
(Max Ehrmann)

2007-01-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

How do you measure sucess or failure?

Life is full of times to succeed and times to fail, but how you look at them will determine who you are in your eyes and the world's eyes (if that really matters.) If you see one time of failure as defining you as a failure then you will never succeed, but if you see those isolated times of failure as times to grow then you will never be a failure.

2007-01-01T11:50:00.000-07:00

Wow another year has come and gone.
I don't know about you but every year the next one comes faster than the last maybe it has something to do with getting older.
This year has been an amazing and puzzling, beautiful and tainted, enlightening and confusing, full of discoveries and new ideas and returning to the basics.
I feel like I am on the verge of discovering something about me and who I am that I never realized before. I have been pushed out of my comfort zone (again) and forced to ask questions that a couple years ago I would have never considered asking. I know in the end this will strengthen who I am as a person and as a Christian, but right now it feels like I am running through a maze with no way out.
I am beginning to see a different side to the world. I took a class this year on Comparative Religions which made me look at the other religions of the world. It made me ask questions, but then strengthened my faith through my questioning.
God has been opening doors to new relationships whether from people at work to people I met on the bus while doing surveys. He is really pushing me out of being an extream introvert to trying new relationships and social activities.
He has strengthened my love and heart for Saint-Germain-en-Laye. He has really made it a place I... I am not sure how to express it, but the best way I can put it into words is that it is like being in love. I think and pray for SGEL constantly. I can't get it off my mind. I love talking about it. Seeing pictures almost make me cry. I can't think of it without smiling and getting excited. God is amazing!
His word is becoming more and more a part of my daily need and not something I am supposed to read. He has been showing me the importance of spending time set aside for just being in His presence. Six of us made a vow this year for 70 days to do 70 mins a day to spend in God's presence. There have been days were the time goes really slow and its hard to focus but there are also those times when God really meets me and 70 minutes is not longer enough time.
Like I said before its been a contrasting year. Nothing seems to be staying the same. Everything is changing and it has to or else life would get stagnent.

2006-12-12T23:17:00.000-07:00

A friend said this and I thought it was profound so I want to share it with all of you wonderful people.

If you love some one because you think that he or she is really gorgeous ... then it's not love.. it's - Infatuation . . . If you love some one because you think that you shouldn't leave him because others think that you shouldn't ... then it's not love.. it's - compromise . . . If you love some one because you think that you cannot live with out his touch .... then it's not love .. it's - lust . . . If you love some one because you have been kissed by him ... then it's not love.. it's - inferiority complex . . . If you love some one because you cannot leave him thinking that it would hurt his feelings .. then it's not love .. it's - charity . . . If you love some one because you share every thing with him ... then it's not love.. it's - friendship . . . but if you feel the pain of the other person more than him even when he is stable and you cry for him .. that's - LOVE . . . if you get attracted to other people but stay with him without any regrets.. that's - LOVE . . . If you let him go knowing that he has to go but he doesn't want to.. that's - LOVE .

2006-12-06T23:12:00.000-07:00

What to write? I have so many thoughts that I can't get them to come out of my mouth, but a pen or typing can create a much easier way of expressing my views. Also the more I write my thoughts the easier it is to speak them.

I want to write about love. I am reading a book called The Art of Loving by Erich From who is a psycho analysist about love (obviously!) But he hits on everything perfectly. He says love is an art. He talks about how one would learn an art and then relates that to love. He says in order to learn how to love one must learn the theory of love first. Fromm says there are five different kinds of love. He says that each one has its own unique way of showing love and in order to understand love one must understand each of these.
The first type of love Fromm talks about is brotherly love. This is loving mankind. He says in order to love with brotherly love you cannot love only one person but all people. If you say you love one person than you must love all the rest as well. The second kind of love is motherly love. Just as in brotherly love you cannot only love one child, but when loving with motherly love you must love all the children equally. Motherly love is unconditional which means it is supposed to love through everything. It is supposed to love enough that it is willing to let go. People don’t have to gain motherly love. It is given freely. The third love is erotic love. I know erotic sounds bad, but Fromm uses it to say romantic or sensual love. Fromm shows that most people are looking for this kind of love, but in the wrong way. This is the first love that is focused only on one person and not the whole of humanity. This one was a little confusing. Though this includes physical intimacy, that is not the only way of showing this type of love. Fromm also says that mental attraction does not reveal true love either. He says because physical attraction and personality connection can fade eventually you must will yourself to keep that love alive. Most people experience a emotional connection with strangers because they are new and exciting, but as the relationship progresses the novelty fades, and the relationship can become stagnant and even boring. This is the reason that so many relationships today are so short lived. People expect the immediate attraction and feeling to last forever even in difficult times, but this is just lying to yourself because feelings come and go. The fourth love that Fromm talks about is self love, not selfishness, but a respect and care towards yourself. Fromm says in order to love others, you must have a healthy love for who you are as well. He says that by loving others but not yourself is the just a different kind of selfishness. By loving yourself, you allow others to love you too while if you did not love yourself then it is almost as if you refuse to allow others to love you as well. Fromm shows this through an example of a mother who says she is unselfish and never thinks of herself, but at the same time does not love herself. He says that a mother that does not love herself is just as bad as a mother who is selfish because self love and selfishness are opposites. The fifth and last love he talks about is God’s love. He goes into deep discussion of how God has evolved over the centuries to get to the place he is now. He went through a time, according to Fromm , that he took the form of animals and nature then he had the characteristics of a mother then a father, and now as the world grows older god will become part of us. Though I don’t believe this he say that we will reach a point where we do not need to speak of god or even name his name because we have progressed far enough not to need to. All of these according to Fromm, we need to put into our lives so that we can find true love and become truly mature, full of self-knowledge, and courageous.
When learning an art you must also put it into practice. The same is true with love. But how do you put it into practice? This must be done through discipling, patience, and concentration according to Fromm. Everything Fromm said was very insightful and interesting, and though I did not agree with everything he said in the God’s love part, I believed he hit on some very important points about love that people today do not see or do not want to see. I think if people today began to look at love the way Erich Fromm looked at it there would be a lot less divorces and short term relationships today.

2006-12-01T16:03:00.000-07:00

A Memory of Marah

Pretty words, pretty smile
Wishes, wonders, and heart beats

Can it be?

To be trustworthy forever is promised
Belief in words that are hidden

Can it be?

Trying to trust with all the heart
Questions and conscience slowly arise

Can it be?

Doubts surface and revealed is truth
Pain and wishes to return to before.

Can it be?

Hurt, it overwhelms with disgust
"Never again," I cry as I often have

Can it be?

Gentle is the Lord's rebuke over me
Over and under He spreads his wings

Can it be?

In Him, I will find true love
He will lead me faithfully forever.

Can it be?

To Him I will give my whole love
For in Him I can trust forever.

Yes is can be!

2006-11-29T23:51:00.000-07:00

Secrets

Dear me, what to think? What to say?

Life is nothing more than an open book.

What will I write?

Will anyone read it?
Oh, the beauty of words!

They express beauty and pain

They are more than scratches of letters on a page.
True words!
Words of life!

The soul speaks but subtlety
Hide, hide away deeply
No one will read it!
But to live if no one read?
Hidden words
Lying words

You will never know
Truth or lies?
Will you read me?
With gentleness?
Ah no, ussually not!

You will hurt me
Not understand me
Not want to understand
Why?!

I give up!
Please be gentle
I will open my book
I will let you read

I have closed you out long enough

Please , come close
Accept my words
Accept me!

2006-10-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

My question of the month/year is: is life worth living without dieing?
Can we truly live if we have not already died? As Angela put it.
So in Lit class we have read the Odyssey and Sir Gawain and the Green Knight and Pere Gorio(sp). My first paper I wrote on the Odyssey was about virtues of the time period of the Odyssey which I discovered was power/courage, love, and deception. I thought, "Wow those are weird virtues." But then we read Sir Gawain and the Green Knight and low and behold I discovered the same underlining virtues. Then in Pere Gorio yup you guessed it I also dicovered that these virtues stood strong. I was very confused and began to wonder if it was the same today. I began to look at people in the world around me to see if they too treasured love, power, and deception as much as we did in the past, and sure enough we do. Though we say we hate people who only want power or people who deceive we still praise them as a society. But then I began to realize these aren't really the center virtues. There is one much larger vitue that we live for and that is self preservation.
I will just leave you with that thought.

2006-10-25T16:08:00.001-06:00

I want to tell everyone out there what I get to do for Psycology.
It is very fun.
I "have" to make five collages.
I love it!!!!

So far I have made one ages 6-11, 12-17, and 17-20.
It is a amazing how much you remember when you are made to.
I am not making physical collages that have old pictures and stuff,
but I am making an emotional collage.
How I looked at life at those ages. It is really hard.
But I think that is why I went backwards chronologically making these.
And that is why the 0-5 one is not done yet. I don't remember those years
very well. So that one may end up more physical not so emotional.

This is why I love school. I have wanted to do something like this for years, but never made the time.
Now I am "forced" to. School makes me do stuff I won't otherwise do.

2006-10-25T16:08:00.000-06:00

I warned you not to get your hopes up on my writing consistantly.

Well... what has happened in Marie's life as of late?

We have started our HouseChurch again with alot of new people.
Claudia and Jonathan are from France and Stephanie is from Switzerland. It is really exciting to have to translate into Spanish and French in the same meeting.

The church has just got back from our annual retreat. It was really good. We talked about sanctification. How sanctification is a gift that God gives us, but we have to chose. Choose to except the gift. Choose to live life as God wills it.

Well I am tired and my head hurts so I can't think anymore to write.

2006-09-15T17:48:00.000-06:00

I just finished Anne of Green Gables, and though I have read it many times before, this time it seemed funnier and more thought provoking than any other time. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am at the end of growing up and she was just beginning. Looking back on things always makes them more clear then when you are going through them. I can understand many of the ways she is feeling for I have felt them itensely. She says that growing up isn't as exciting as she expected, and I must agree. Growing up brings so many more questions. It proves what your parents have been telling you all your life that you will never know everything. It is really quite sad to think the older you get the less you will know, or maybe the right way to say that is the older you get the more you will know about the world and see how little you know about the world. I think that is confusing, but I am not sure how else to say it.

It seems like I am in a writing stage because I am writing a lot more than I ussually do. Don't expect this to become the norm. It will probably only last until the Immersion program starts then I will probably stop writing, but you never know.

2006-09-13T21:11:00.000-06:00

I decided about a month or more ago that I am socially or relationally challenged. In a word : an introvert.
So since that revelation, I have been reading every relational book and asking every relational question there is to ask.
Right now Jennifer and I are reading Learning to Love People You Don't Like by Floyd McClung (good book).
But every chapter it seems to hit on something I am not doing right.

I like these kind of books becasue it makes me shrink inside and wish I was different. Then because I am open to change God seems to make everything in my life magnify this problem. Ok that was a little side trip but back to the main point.

One of the chapters we read last night was called Rules For Relationships. It was amazing. Here are the five "rules".

(1)Maintain an attitude of humility {being willing to be known for who we are and for what we have done rather than being superficial. (I am not very good at this.)}, Meekness {not insisting our way or pushing ourselves forward}, Patience {wait for others lovingly even when they are wrong}, Forbearance {help others when they are weak}.

(2)Speak the truth in love.
-speak the truth
-speak the truth in love
-only speak that which edifies
-get rid of the critical spirit

(3)Forgive those who sin and discipline those who do not repent of their sins.

(4)We belong to one another. There is one church.

(5)Be filled with the Spirit, worshiping the Lord, encouraging one another, and always giving thanks in everthing to God the Father.

These are hard things to do especially if we think in the flesh. Actually in the flesh they are impossible. We can't even imagine doing any of those things on our own because if we try, we will only fail and become depressed.
That is my problem many times. I want to be better than I am, and so I push myself and try to be someone I am not. This always ends in frustration and depression. I hate myself because I can't improve myself then God is so merciful. He suddenly reveals again that I am right I can't do it, but He can. He fixes my focus back on Him and everything is sunshiney from there ( until I take control again). I wish I could keep my focus constanly where I am happy, but sometimes I seem to enjoy gloom.
Welllll I am not sure why i wrote this but last night it hit exactly what I needed to hear so I thought all of you would like to hear it to. ( I am also trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and share pieces of my heart with people and it is easier to type my heart than to speak my heart.)

2006-09-12T12:42:00.000-06:00

I am very proud of this paper. I wrote it in less than two hours, and I think its not bad.

Love is Forever?
Our eyes meet across the room. Nothing is said. Nothing is done. Yet for a brief moment we have connected. We understand each other. A silent message goes between us. A message that brings comfort. A message that brings pleasure. And a message that makes my heart jump and my stomach whirl. But in moment it is gone, and all I am left with is a memory. I try to conjure that feeling over and over again, but the memory supplies nothing but an empty ache. I have seen him before. In fact, I have seen him many times through out my life. Sometimes he has brown hair, sometimes green eyes. Other times he has blond hair and striking blue eyes that you could stare into for hours. There are times he is Hispanic, and times he is Asian. Many times I don’t know his name, but often I do. When our eyes meet, sometimes I let them linger knowing I will never see this set again, but many times I pull away hoping I was dreaming. Who is this changing man? He is just that: man.
This kind of experience is from where dreams come, books are written, songs are sung. This is love. Or at least this is what we have been told is love. But is this true love? What is true love? Sebastien R. N. Chamfort said, “Love, such as it is in society, is only the exchange of two fantasies, and the contact of two bodies.” Can this be true? “No, of course not“, we women would answer. Love is much more than that, right? Or can it be that society has change the meaning of the word love? Is the glance across the room and the small instant connection between two people love or is it in some small way just a “fantasy”?
The world is searching for one thing and that is true love and acceptance. We have decided as a society that love is selfish. Love is all about feeling good. When you tell someone you love them, what are you hoping for? Sex? Attention? Cuddles? Support? We never seem to tell someone we love them because we want to help the other person or supply them with what they need. We seem to be trying to fulfill our own desires and pleasures. But how long do these relationships last? Ten years? Five years? A month? A week? or even a minute? We are searching for fulfillment through the feeling of being in loved. We never seem to find it so we go from one partner to next hoping for better luck. Unfortunately, if we are trying to find the love like the story books, it is never going to happen.
According to Thomas A Kempis, “Love is swift, sincere, pious, pleasant, generous, strong, patient, faithful, prudent, long-suffering, manly, and never seeking her own; for wheresoever a man seekth his own, he falleth from love” A Kempis is saying that that if a man or woman loves selfishly then he or she is no longer loving. This can’t possibly be true, can it? I can tell myself that in deed I have loved everyone of those men or boys who I have had an attraction to, but then with everyone of them I can, in minutes, forget one and begin to “love” another. Is that love? Or could it be possible that what we as a society have been calling love is not love at all but only a strange emotional fantasy that will fade with time, and true love is indeed what A Kempis says it is? “Love is patience. Love is kind, and is not jealous. Love does not brag, and it is not arrogant. It does not act unbecomingly. It does not seek its own. It is not provoked. It does not take into account a wrong suffered. Love bears all thing, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.”

2006-09-11T19:07:00.000-06:00

I forgot that I had set this blog to watch the comments and then today I discovered all of the wonderful comments people left me, and it makes me want to cry. (I can't though because I am at work, and I avoid crying at work. ) That really made my day.

I have been kind of down and tired and had a headache all day. One of those "nobody likes me, everybody hates me I am gona go and eat worms" days. Ohhh I have such good friends! I love you guys so much! Ahhh now I really going to cry. I better stop.

2006-08-14T09:02:00.000-06:00

You Think English is Easy???
Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refusemore refuse .

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick" ?

2006-08-04T17:25:00.000-06:00

I do it purposely so I can never be perdicted.
Sometimes I write one post right after each other sometimes it takes days, weeks, months, years ok so that is a little exagerated but you get the idea.

This little post is going to be written because I want to let everyone who reads this (which I think is Jennifer) how awesome God is.

How you can trust Him with everything even things you can't trust yourself with. He is pretty awesome.

So lately I have been trying to make a lot of decisions. Like whether I should keep working where I am or get a new job. And whether I want to lead HC. And a few others which are forbidden to be spoken of.

But God has been very present in my life during this time, and showing me how I need to trust completely in him. That these desisions have to made in his timing and his way or they will not happen. Actually Isaac just wrote about the HouseChurch thing on his blog, and it express the way I have been feeling very well. Its hard to know what to do when you know what would be the right thing to do, but really don't like that option. BUT God has a plan and if we follow that then all things will work out for good.

2006-07-24T12:32:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we got back from the camping trip.
I love the camping trip! Every trip the times of being with my church family is just wonderful.
This trip Sacha and Mark Turek came. Mark and Mike have been friends since highschool. Mark was my principal back in Maryland. They are some of those people who may not live with us and are a part of another church in another state, but they are still a part of our church family. They always brings fresh energy and life to times of fellowship.
This trip Mike started the trip by talking about the future. The future of the church in general and the future of Immanuel Fellowship. That evening he talked about three traps that can keep people from becoming strong worker for the Kingdom.

Lack of faith He made the point that faith is spelled RISK. Without faith we can't press in and go on. There will be many times we feel like quitting, but it is through faith we push through. It is not just a step of faith, it is a journey of faith. Like Joseph had to have faith that the dreams he had would come true even when he was sold into slavery. Or like in Hinds Feet on High Places every part of the journey strengths Much-Afraids faith in the Sheperd. Many people want to be works but many only dream because they don't have the faith to take risks.
Choosing the wrong life partner This is something Mike talks about a lot. He has seen many people who would be strong workers become weak because of the wrong partner. Mike say the only way to truly know if a person is the right person is by God speaking. Over all just be causious. If a person has not had a solid walk for at least two years, there should not be a relationship. This is a very popular subject in singles' circles, but it is very much needed.
Failing to be a student of God's word God's word is the nourishment and guidence for our walk. Without God's word getting through check points is impossible. It is your life line.

The next morning Mark talk about suffering. Mark's wife has a servir case of MS and so he daily deals with suffering. He talked about how suffering is a sign of God's love. It is a way to make us mature. Life is about Him and suffering is about glorifying him.

The next morning Bill talked about spiritual parents. He talked about how we need spiritual parents to help us develope and grow. He also talked about how we need to be those parents to others. He said we need to find some one who is Faithful Available Teachable to invest in. Just like Paul told Timothy in 2 Timothy 2:1-2

It seemed like God was really speaking about perserverence and taking risks.

2006-07-09T14:46:00.000-06:00

I have no idea what to write. I am very hyper! very hyper! I am very, very, very excited!!
Because two of my favorite people just got engaged!!! YEAH!!!!! I have been waiting for this for like a year.
And another two of my favorite people might have a new baby next time I see them which is later today!!
Excitement fills my bones!!

OK breath iiinnnn ooouuuttt iiinnn oouuuttt ooookkkk I feel better.

I am not sure why I am so hyper. I don't think I have had enough sleep the last couple nights so I am overly tired.
A bunch of us went to Pirate last night that was a lot of fun though I don't like this one as much as the first one, but oh well. I enjoy hanging out with friends.

I was hyper last night too. So I had some random girl talk on my friends cell phone to her sister in Texas. That was interesting. I want try it again.

Ok I am done rambling. bye

2006-07-08T16:35:00.000-06:00

LIFE!!! What is life? A thousand roads a thousand ways where am I going?!
I wish I could just see in the future. Ok maybe not but could I have just a clue of what the next couple years are supposed to look like? PLEASE!!!
I don't even have options of what could happen. I guess this is where trust comes in.
I just have to take each step and let God take care of the bigger picture.
I LIKE TO BE IN CONTROL! or at least have some idea of whats going on.

I keep feeling like I am supossed to quit my job and do something else, but I need money so I can go on all my trips.
What about school? Am I supossed to be more comitted to school or should I just keep doing a couple classes a semester? What about HC? These are just a few of the questions that occupy my head these days. GOD!!! I don't understand.

2006-07-06T13:11:00.000-06:00

Well...
I am trying again.
This is just going to be what a blog is supposed to be an online journal.
I am not going to tell anyone else about it, but if someone finds it great.
I can't promise how much I will write but you are welcome to read.
How boring of a first post can you get?!

Well about me:
I am 19-years-old. People call me many different things. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a disciple, a lifeguard, a co-worker, a teacher, a leader, and more specifically a mix of Japanese, French, German, and add a little Irish then a dash of English and you have my nationality. I have brown eyes and curly brown hair, but is this what defines me? Are these things what I want to be remembered as? What does it mean to be me?

Does being me mean I am only what other people see or am I more than that? Am I defined by my activities? Am I a world traveler because I enjoy traveling, or am I a swimmer because I swim for exercise? Am I chef because I sometimes I cook, or am I a Biblical scholar because I study the Bible? Is this who I am? These are somethings I enjoy and do often, but I believe that i am more that my activities and titles.

I grew up in a Christian home where we went to church every Sunday of my life. I can tell you Bible stories backwards and forwards because I have heard them all my life. Growing up we had Bible story tapes, Bible story books and Bible story videos. But when I was 12, I realized that my parents God needed either to become my God and not only theirs or I needed a new religion. So I began to study the Bible on my own. I searched for a faith I could call my own. I searched for something to define me. Even though I lived in a good, accepting family and belived in a God who the Bible shows loves and accepts you just the way you are, I still struggle with discovering who I am.

So maybe to define me you need to know what I am passionate about. I am passionate about my faith. I pray and worship passionately. I am passionate about nature and keeping its beauty natural. I passionately write stories and poems. I am passionate about other countries and learning their culture and language. I pasionately enjoy watching and getting to know people. All these things are a part of me, but not the essence of my being.

What is the essence of my being? The essence of my being is who I truly am. It is what is left after all my layers as the Buddhist would say. It is the part of me that most people will never see and sometimes it is even hidden from myself.